I was driving with my beloved aunt, a mother, mentor, saint and inspiration; the person who told me that she had nothing to offer me but love, as if that wasn't the most precious gift she could offer. She looked into my eyes and held my hand and told me she was proud of me and at that moment I understood the incredible love of God. I would do anything for her; I would give anything for her. Her love meant more to me than my life itself and I would happily sacrifice it for her. The thought of disappointing her would be too much for my soul to bear. Hell would be created by me knowing I had failed her. I watched her die eaten slowly away by cancer. I have never felt so alone in my life.
Lord you have always been with me, I don't fear you. I know you love me like she loved me. My fear is in disappointing you. I know you will love me regardless of my sins. You have never shown me malice. I am offended when people suggest you are hateful or vengeful because I know you are far beyond that. I have tried to understand you, but how does a finite creature understand the infinite? Is your truth in Bible; a book which contradicts its self? I know men lie and that men have printed the Bible. I knew you before I knew the Bible and while I see some wisdom in its words I also hear the words of man in its text.
Lord you created me different and as much as I wanted to conform to what people wanted me to be, I could not. I could not lie to someone I loved and tell them I was sexually attracted to them and I could not tell those I was attracted to that I loved them. I was caught in a prison of my own morality and sacrificed 30 years of my life isolating myself to make sure I didn't offend you; not out of the fear of divine retribution but out of the fear of disappointing you. I began to realize that I was lied to and that I was just as natural as a flower in the field. I was simply rare. I began to understand that my isolation wasn't caused by your disapproval but by the disapproval of men who had not evolved beyond their own secular nature. Why should love be limited to ones physical characteristics when love is truly about the soul?
Lord, in my heart of hearts I believe I am right, but I know I am imperfect and can easily be wrong. Everything I have learned has told me that man has lied to me and they have slandered your name to push their own agenda. I still do not want to disappoint you. You have been such an incredible part of my life. You created me in a certain way and in my heart I honestly believe this is the way I am meant to be. You don't make mistakes and I am perfectly imperfect. Man has told me that I am wrong but in the deepest parts of my soul I can't understand their objections. I humbly ask you as the alpha and omega; the beginning and end to show me that I am wrong. If I am I will sacrifice love and companionship and live my life isolated and incomplete for you, but every part of my soul tells me that this is not your will but the will of the bigotry of man. Give me an 11'th commandment or have Jesus tell me I am wrong. I am not trying to test you. I am only trying to separate the lies from the truth. Christianity has been corrupted by Satan and it is no longer a reliable source of morality. Give me a sign that tells me I am on the wrong path and I will change it in a heartbeat.
Thank you for all you have given me
Your humble servant